From the Register-Guard : Election 2012: It’s the particle physics, stupid
Scientists in Geneva recently announced
that they had found a new subatomic particle that they were 99.999999
percent sure was the elusive Higgs boson, nicknamed the “God particle.”
Even though we had no earthly idea what that meant, we were definitely excited.
It’s given us so much to think about: how
existence began, the structure of the universe, the difference between
bosons and fermions. And of course, what it will mean to the
presidential race.
The first thing all patriotic Americans are
going to want to know is why something this important happened
elsewhere. The Large Hadron Collider, where the physicists did the work,
was built by the European Organization for Nuclear Research. We were
building a Superconducting Super Collider of our own, in Waxahachie,
Texas, but Congress stopped the financing for it in 1993.
“It’s disheartening that a large number of
fairly intelligent people could do such a thing,” Leon Lederman, a Nobel
Prize-winning physicist, said when the budget-cutting House of
Representatives ended the program. That was, of course, a long time ago,
back when Americans still undertook expensive, daring construction
projects and believed the House of Representatives had a large number of
fairly intelligent people.
But about the Higgs boson. As Dennis
Overbye explained in The New York Times, it is “the only manifestation
of an invisible force field, a cosmic molasses that permeates space and
imbues elementary particles with mass.” And we have so many questions.
Does it provide evidence of the existence of parallel worlds? If so, is
it possible to move to one that doesn’t have Michele Bachmann?
Most of all, however, we want to know whom this helps in the election:
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Mitt Romney today
denounced Barack Obama for allowing Europe to beat the United States at
particle physics research. Under his administration, Romney vowed, “All
particles that bind the earth together will be discovered in America, by
Americans and for Americans.”
Under questioning from reporters, Romney said that his favorite kind of subatomic particle is the fermion.
SOMEWHERE ON A BUS — Speaking to a crowd of
blue collar workers in Ohio, President Obama hailed the scientific news
from Geneva as “a great moment in history, not unlike my rescue of the
auto industry.” The physicists who made the discovery, Obama noted, all
had health insurance.
TRENTON, N.J. — Gov. Chris Christie today
called for the privatization of the Higgs boson. “Binding the earth
together is something that could be handled much more efficiently by the
for-profit sector,” the Republican governor and deeply available vice
presidential prospect said: “Auctioning off the rights to the Higgs
boson will create American jobs and balance American budgets.”
When a reporter noted that the boson was discovered in Switzerland, Christie called him “stupid” and “off-topic.”
CEDAR FALLS, Iowa — Rick Santorum today
denounced the European Organization for Nuclear Research for discovering
something that is nicknamed the God particle. “If God had wanted there
to be a particle, he’d have given it to Adam and Eve,” said Santorum,
who is traveling through the Hawkeye State this week because, really, he
doesn’t have much else to do.
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Aides to Mitt Romney said the former governor’s favorite kind subatomic particle is actually the boson.
SOMEWHERE ELSE ON A BUS — President Obama
told a crowd of blue collar workers that there have been more Higgs
bosons discovered during his administration than during those of both
George Bushes combined.
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Mitt Romney said today
that when he called for an American effort to beat the Europeans in
particle physics research, he did not actually mean spending money to
build a supercollider, but merely “the need for our physicists to think
harder.” The Republican presidential contender said he believed this
could be accomplished by “the elimination of onerous,
physics-research-killing regulations.”
JUST OUTSIDE OF WOLFEBORO, N.H. —
Protesters today passed out cartoons of Mitt Romney with a large, cuddly
looking Higgs boson strapped to a crate on the front of his jet ski.
WASHINGTON — Surrogates for Barack Obama and Mitt Romney sparred over the meaning of the potential discovery of the Higgs boson.
On “Meet the Press,” Gov. Bobby Jindal of
Louisiana called it “a questionable throw of the dice by the same folks
who gave us the euro.”
On “Face the Nation,” David Axelrod, the
Obama campaign communications director, said that if the Large Hadron
Collider had been acquired by Bain Capital, it would have been “burdened
with debt and sold for scrap metal” and that Romney would be “the most
anti-physics president since Franklin Pierce.”
NEW YORK — Donald Trump told reporters that
“my people in Hong Kong” have uncovered evidence that America’s failure
to take the lead in subatomic particle research was because of a
conspiracy between the Obama administration and unnamed Chinese
industrialists.
Trump also said that he had invited the Higgs boson to be a contender on “All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.”
Gail Collins is a columnist for The New York Times.
No comments:
Post a Comment